“Beating yourself up is never a fair fight”
— Andrea Gibbons
Just the other day, I realized that I had completely spaced my responsibility to organize a hot chocolate social event I had planned with the student council. To make things worse, I realized this on the day the event was supposed to happen—nothing was prepared. I had failed to delegate and get things moving; it was all my fault. My very enjoyable day suddenly took a turn for the worse, and my previously cheerful thoughts slid into the realm of self-loathing.
You and I are humans, not robots, and so the reality of our existence includes a lot of failures, mistakes, and poor judgment. Now you might immediately think, but wait! Are you just going to be one of those people who says, “you’re good enough, quit trying, go eat Ben and Jerry’s on the couch…” To answer that, I would say that very few people hang up a big sign in their office that says “be a failure, make mistakes, and strive to have poor judgment.” That just isn’t in our human nature; we like to be good at things, but we sometimes villainize ourselves when we do not meet our expectations of how good we ought to be at things.
Self-loathing and self-destructive thoughts do not help us to move forward and make progress. I cannot count the number of times my mother told me to quit moping around when I was a young child. She helped me realize that my little pity parties weren’t doing anyone any good, and that getting up and brushing myself off was far better than lying in the mud. Still though, it is sometimes difficult to recognize when we’re at the pity party and how it started in the first place. A good place to start is changing the way we think.
Changing Your Thinking
“Your ability to control your thoughts — treat it with respect. It’s all that protects your mind from false perceptions — false to your nature”
— Marcus Aurelius
We have more power over our thoughts than we think we do, and a powerful way to tap into that power lies in strategies and techniques that we choose to employ for mastery over our minds. Here are some techniques that can help you to stop your self-destructive thoughts:
1. Focus on who you are, not what you have done
You are not the simple sum of your mistakes. It is helpful to focus on who you are as you do a focused activity such as prayer, meditation, or other source of identity affirmation.
2. Write your thoughts down
When you actually write self-destructive thoughts down, it is easier to see them for the imposters they are. Indeed, writing down your thoughts and feelings enables you to process them by acknowledging their legitimacy, determining whether or not they are true, and identifying whether they have any good purpose.
3. Practice Gratitude
Joshua Brown and Joel Wong, from Berkeley University, conducted in-depth research to discover what gratitude can do for people. They concluded that “gratitude unshackles us from toxic emotions.” Counteract self-loathing by expressing your gratitude verbally and in writing.
4. Emote
We need trusted friends who we can talk to about the feelings we have. If you are feeling like trash, it helps to talk to someone who will listen long enough to help you realize, on your own, how ridiculous those thoughts are. It’s important to remember that our feelings are not always an accurate reflection of the whole truth, and so having a sounding board is in good order.
Power over the Inevitable
While mistakes and failures are inevitable, the way we choose to react to those experiences is entirely within our power. In the grand scheme of things, a failure will not ruin us so long as we choose to rise above it.
Indeed, we can glean some wisdom from what Alfred once said in the movie, Batman Begins:
“Why do we fall, Master Wayne?… So that we can learn to pick ourselves up again.”
– Alfred